Pooterisms

In the wonderful comic novel Diary of a Nobody by George and Weedon Grossmith, published in 1892, the titular diarist Charles Pooter regularly records what he believes to be wonderful witticisms he has come up with in conversations with family and friends, even though they (the witticisms, not his family and friends) are actually mind-numbingly banal. I call these ‘Pooterisms’

I suffer from the same misconception, so hereby offer you a steadily accumulating list of my own Pooterisms.

I’m not rising above it; that’s the reflection of me sinking below it.
That herb is perfect – it’s in mint condition
Why shouldn’t you trust the opinion of a man with two bottoms? Because he’s bi-arsed.
She was haranguing us about a species of primates at risk of extinction. An harangue utan.
My wife is not talking to me. I told her I didn’t like her fruit jelly, and she threw a wobbly.
Do books on psychiatry come shrink-wrapped?